Ayah and Umar Take on the World

Throughout the existence of this blog I have always had a slight censor on the things I post, I'm not talking about profanity or anything of the sort - but about stories and details intentionally being left out. I leave them out for a variety of reasons, most of them being relatively selfish; I don't want people that knew me growing up (especially from my church) to think less of me because of the things that have happened in my stories. I also don't want mutual friends of the reader and myself to be thought less of by the readers if they are talked about in my stories. Basically, the anonymity of the blog has been entirely extracted and the crossover between my real life and blog life has become too much. However, I've decided to just say "fuck it" and blog about what I want, because, it can be a truly beautiful and amazing thing but not if I limit myself.

Growing up was not fun, I was a very sick child with abandonment issues and a morbid outlook on life. There was always one person I could talk to and be around to help out, my sister. Obviously we bickered like all siblings but she is my only full sibling and during holidays when our older brother left to his father's house it was just me and her. I owe her a lot, as a child I wasn't friendly or outgoing and as a result never made any friends. She was three years old but went into preschool with me (I was four) and had she not been there I would not have made a single friend at school. She took preschool for a second time the following year while I advanced to kindergarten.

My brother used to refuse to play video games with me because he had no interest in them and said I beat him too much. My sister would play video games with me despite not knowing how to play just because she knew I wanted someone to play with. Until we were about ten years old my sister always had my back, and was always watching out for me - once we reached a certain age I did a lot of maturing and decided it was my turn to start helping her, as she had started falling into a bad phase. She would become very sad and self-critical about how she looked and what she did, I would just try to tell her she was fine and normal. Unfortunately, she only became worse as we got older and by the time I was able to drive and had a job I took it upon myself to dedicate one night a week to hang out with her. We used to just drive around listening to music and I would buy her food from somewhere cheap, these are memories I will always hold dear. She once told me that when we hung out it was "Ayah and Umar take on the World". Not long after she got into a lot of trouble with our mom for skipping classes, and falling into a bad crowd of friends - despite my efforts she still wasn't making the turnaround I had hoped for. I failed her, and now she was getting sent away to live with our dad in California. I knew things would become worse in California but my mom didn't know how else she would be able to watch Ayah more carefully. She moved away. Shortly after a lot of other really bad things happened (see year 17 in the life story). It was a rough time for me and I will always feel responsible for her being sent away.

We drifted apart as I finished high school and moved away to college, and she lived in California. Only saw each other over breaks until I went to her high school graduation last May. She graduated and pulled through after all the hard work of making up for the amount of class she skipped for the first two years of high school. I was proud of her. However, something was different, she kept doing all she could for guys that obviously were trying to take advantage of her. These aren't the stereotypical Cali surfer douchebags or anything like that either, she has taken interest in the ghetto, ex convict, high school dropout kind of guys. Now, I know it's bad to judge people based on their situation in life, so I normally don't and nothing really was THAT bad until my last trip to Colorado. She was caught smoking weed by my dad (who, ironically enough, had smoked with her numerous times prior to this), who then proceeded to kick her out of his house and victimize himself for it a few weeks later. She was sent back to Colorado to live with my mom and grandma. My mom is a saint. She is the nicest and best person ever and my grandma is a damn near close second. This last week I went to visit them for thanksgiving and witnessed some of the most damaging moments in my family.

My sister has been going through some very challenging times in life and no matter what my family says to her she views us as the enemy. It's always been me and her. And I can't be there for her this time. To watch how much work and sacrifice my mom put forth to ensure we had the same opportunities as everyone else get pissed on by my sister has been the most infuriating thing. She needs help and I can't do anything to help her because she thinks we don't want what is best for her. The worst part of it all is that she knows I'm always going to do what I can to help, despite how far she pushes me away. We've overcome and taken on a lot of things before but I don't know if we will be able to get past this one in one piece.

Since about halfway through my senior year I have been the sibling that just sorta... says things like they are. It's a good thing and a bad thing because I don't need to sugarcoat anything with my siblings but they also are less likely to tell me things out of fear that my response will be discouraging. In the past my sister has always taken things very seriously when I talked to her, but now she just shrugs it off and keeps doing them. It is as if she has regressed mentally, refusing to accept any input that isn't exactly what she wants to hear.

We have always been able to take on any challenge. I remember making food as 5 year old kids, or flying as unaccompanied minors on a plane when I was 4 years old. Watching scary movies with our dad's irresponsible friends when we were very young. Not knowing how to swim and going to an ocean. All of these things brought us together, but perhaps we truly are our own worst enemies because as soon as the problem becomes one of us; we collapse. 

Music Pt. 5

Hey guys, I've just been listening to a ton of music lately during my days. Figured I would share some with you all.













-Umar

Selfishness and Storytelling

People are selfish. Everybody is and no matter how you try to argue it, it is just the way it is. Obviously there are the givers, people who do things for other people with no personal "benefit". The thing is there is a personal benefit, they feel better about themselves. It feels good to help people. That is the best case scenario too, because then you go on youtube and see these videos of people trying to show off that they helped someone - almost as if they are seeking the recognition and approval of society.

I found myself being called out quite a bit this week for not being sympathetic enough, for being unreasonably selfish about situations. Now, I would like to think I am an altruistic person but the way  view life is that I will do these things for people I care about if they show they are thankful or help me in return. I know that's a twisted thing - to expect a return for it, but if people are taking the things I do for them for granted, and expect me to shower them with good things then I stop.

The biggest problem I see within my friends and myself is that we live for the storytelling, which really isn't an issue - in moderation. We are approaching life with a method where we want to do all these great things but is it for us or is it to say we did it and show off pictures of it? It's a flawed method because everyone is trying to be the most interesting, but, they are sacrificing the actual interest of the experience by concerning themselves with just getting it done to add to another book of things accomplished. Storytelling is a beautiful thing, let's not take away it's beauty.

-Umar

On Growing Up

Life is such a strange thing. Existence is random, and that's all there is to it. Yet, somehow we, as simple beings, feel such powerful things that give us this perspective of being locked into the present state. As if everything happening RIGHT now matters. There is no way I would have ever been able to predict the way I live now if you were to ask me a year ago.

In high school I had two close friends, Trevor and Kody. Trevor I talk to maybe once a week about vaping or something else that isn't really significant. Kody and I don't talk more than once a month, if that. During the time we were all very close I would've sworn to anyone that we would always be around for each other. It is sad to see how far we have drifted, because of how different all of our paths became after high school. We moved on. The sad thing about this isn't even that it happened, because it's normal and everyone tells you it is going to happen - but something about the individual mindset is that things will be different; it is that it sneaks by. It's been about a year and a half since I was seeing them each day and to think that it has been that long just leaves me amazed. Growing up is something we all do, something we want to do before it happens, and something we don't want to do when it finally comes down to it.

I've put a lot of thought into my past lately, for better or for worse. My character and the person I am is attributed to the people I saw every day for 7 years, people that I haven't talked to in months. It doesn't have to be the sad and melancholy thing though; if I were to start listing the people I surrounded myself with they are all doing amazing things. I just traveled across the entire country this summer to see friends, family, and for work experiences. I was on the east coast, west coast, border of Canada, and many places between. Someone who had a large impact on my life is moving to Atlanta new to pursue a new future, and it is going to be wonderful for him. Another is in school and living with some friends of his, still with a girl he fell for right before we all parted ways. Another is going to school in southern California, and despite the falling out we had - I know they are having an excellent time there. One got married this year and has a child, and the pictures of that family never fail to bring a smile to my face. My point is that everyone moves on, and they create these visions they always wanted. But, when they make these stories it's not about the people they were growing with - we aren't in school and doing these things to mature to be around each other forever. We were all taking steps together to get to where we are reaching now, and the reason it feels sad is because it worked. We are doing amazing things that we had been wanting our whole lives, and we are always riding with each other because we were pushing each other to excel for our entire lives. The reason it feels sad is because no one tells you what comes next, what is after all of the growing up and the hard work. I miss all of you, and you all need to keep doing what you're doing - because it's incredible being here to see how all of us end up.

- Umar

Since I've Been Gone

Hello friends! I have so much news to update all of you on. Let us begin our adventure.


So not long ago I left Washington DC and went back to Colorado Springs for a while. In my duration there I spent a lot of time with my sister, Ayah, and my friend Trevor. Trevor had been really helpful with getting me immersed into the vape culture, which is probably my most prevalent hobby now. Colorado was fun, as it always is - but I quickly grew bored and was ready to go continue my college adventure in Montana.

Soon enough I left Colorado and drove back to Montana, I was driving solo this time and took the trek on all in one go - stopping for gasoline only twice. Once I arrived back to Bozeman I moved everything I owned into the house my friends had been living at all summer, and I would be living at for the upcoming years. It looked great. We had been given a tour by the previous owners who were quite the party animals and left us with quite a bit of work to do regarding the functionality of the house so I had some concerns about it's state upon my arrival. Luckily my friends had been hard at work all summer and taken care of all the major issues that existed. I felt I had really struck gold when I found out my room window had roof access and I was able to go hang out up there whenever I felt like it, it was definitely nice to be back.

My second roommate, Wes, had helped secure me a job at a car rental company located at the airport in the next town over and after two days of being back I started working there. The job is super great because I get to choose my own hours and hang out with people all day. We vacuum and spray the insides of cars then drive them through a drive through car wash, then repeat. Now I know this sounds a bit tedious and boring but keep in mind we get to drive these brand new cars and listen to whatever music we want to in them all day - not to mention you are able to team up with co-workers; Wes and I team up every shift we have together.

Classes started just over a week ago and I have decided to take on 18 credits for this semester, which is..... a good amount. They've been excellent so far, my first professor has a very "high school teacher" vibe and I don't really like it - she had assigned seats when we walked into the classroom the first day. My second professor is really cool, he is also from Colorado Springs and is just very good at keeping me engaged with the curriculum he is teaching. The third professor I see during the day is hard to really break down at this point for me, simply because we have around 200 students in that class. The fourth is one I had learned from last semester and she is great, and talking to her is very easy since we already know each other. The fifth professor just moved to Bozeman, although she has been all over Montana - she is pretty cool but I'm struggling to find ways to relate with her. Regardless, staying on top of the work load thus far hasn't been to bad.

Alright and obligatory song I have been listening to here:

Phases

I've always had a very strange tendency to categorize past periods of times in my life by color. I think I have explained this in a post here before but it requires too much effort to go filter through the old content to find out. In short, I have almost a feeling or sense of color affiliated with each year or time period of my life. The memories have this tint or shade to them, without actually having it. I don't know. It's very odd. I don't think it's a normal habit.

Anyways, the "vibes" for each time period operate in a fashion similar to the siren of a fire truck. The most strong feelings are from memories that are very recent or were a very long time ago. The least impactful vibes are from memories in between, and eventually at a middle point they just aren't really there - to an extent. They still have an obvious color and such but I don't feel the emotional trigger in the same way I normally do. This leads me to believe that my person at the present time is most heavily influenced by recent events and earlier years of life. Perhaps this has all been stated by someone who is trained in understanding these concepts of life, but I'll just pretend like I'm the first to think that. This also brings up the sad fact that at some point, the present will be insignificant - as it does not qualify as an early year of my life and one day won't be recent.

Time is a strange thing to think about. They say that everything has all happened at once and time is just the method our brain uses to comprehend everything. It is but another dimension. This means that in a sense your 2 year old grandma is existing as the same time as your 75 year old daughter. The sheer concept of that - of all those people converging into one exact point - gives me goosebumps. It really provides a new perspective on how little we are, and how simple things are for us.

I had much more to write but the hour is getting late and I have to be up relatively early tomorrow. I will add more to this at a later date. Thanks for reading.

-Umar

Music Pt. 4

Colorado to California

(Previous part of my journey)

I spent a few weeks in Colorado hanging out with friends and lifeguarding, it was great to see everyone again and to be home. After about three weeks of being in Colorado I was going to be driving to California for my sister's high school graduation. My mom and my sister's friend, and ex-boyfriend Caleb were going to be taking this trek with me.

We left the morning of June 5th and stopped to pick up some Dutch Bros coffee on the way, I always get the cinnamon tea with soymilk and honey. The first part of the drive was pretty cool, nothing new to me - it was the rockies in Colorado, I'd grown up seeing these mountains so it wasn't too spectacular. Something about that area will always give me a sense of nostalgia though. We eventually crossed the border into Utah and things started to become a bit different from what I was used to. Giant rock formations were coming up from the flat land, heavy concentrations of iron were there and leaving it's recognizable reddish color all over the formations. One place in Utah in particular was absolutely amazing, we did stop at a lookout to get some pictures of it - Black Dragon Canyon. The rest of the time in Utah was pretty boring compared to Black Dragon Canyon, just empty desert.

Black Dragon Canyon

After Utah, we reached southern Nevada. We stopped in Vegas for dinner and walked around the strip for a couple hours, it really struck me just how many people exist. I mean I know there are 7 billion people on earth, and all that normal stuff; but saying how many people there are and actually being in a place populated enough to believe it are very different things. It's almost upsetting how much less "different" you are from anyone else out there, there are so many people that sticking out takes an awful lot of work. Anyways Vegas was pretty cool, it was also very warm despite us being there in the later hours of the day. We ended up not getting any food in the actual city because everywhere was so busy, so we drove about an hour past it and stopped somewhere else for some subway. Pretty much right after the town we stopped at for food and gas was the border into southern California.

Night time in Vegas

California was cool.... I think. It was really late in the night when it happened and I was the only one awake for it since I was driving. I drove right by a nuclear power plant, I couldn't believe how big the facilities for it were. I also remember the radio stations pretty much not existing until Bakersfield. Once we got into Bakersfield my mom took over the driving and I got to catch some sleep, a few hours later I was woken up on a dirt road leading up to a farm. The farm we would be staying at for the next week. Most families get a hotel for these kinds of trips - not mine. My mom rented out an entire farm for the week, there was a rooster walking around to greet us when we arrived. This farm had goats, chickens, turkeys, fish, cows... pretty much anything you could think of for a farm and it was there. We were able to eat eggs that the chickens laid every morning, right after we were woken up by the roosters.

 I was able to feed the goats whenever I wanted. 

But I digress - the graduation was fun too. My brother and grandmother had flown in from Colorado two days after we reached the farm so we went to pick them up. I also was able to see the girl I was dating at the time, she worked at a camp in the mountains nearby, so that was also pretty nice. The day of the actual graduation I was surprised because they called the students and had them going two at a time. My graduation took much longer because it was only done by having one student walk across the stage at a time. The week went by quickly, it was awesome to see my family there and to share it with my family from Colorado as well. I'm very proud of my sister for powering through to succeed in graduating and I hope she is able to find her path and reach more goals. My brother, grandmother, mother, and Caleb all left back for Colorado while I stayed in California. I was going to be staying for an extra day because I would be flying from California to Washington DC within the coming hours - but that's for another post.

Shaver Lake in California feat. Mom

-Umar

Update

Hey all! So I have just added year 18 to my life story here: http://usedtobesadeeiq.blogspot.com/2014/01/reader-request-my-complete-life-story.html

I know I'm overdue for writing about the next part of my journey this summer, I will try to do that very soon. I've been very busy with stuff that you can hear all about if you read my updated life story!

-Umar

Montana to Colorado

Alright so the next segment of my adventure this summer consisted of a (roughly) 11 hour drive from Bozeman, Montana to Colorado Springs, Colorado. Devon, my friend from the first part, and I had just finished all of our business in Montana and were ready to begin our trek back home. 

I was the first to drive, I drove from Bozeman until right after the border of Wyoming. We stopped in Billings at a subway, this was the first subway sandwich I ordered after becoming vegetarian so I wasn't quite sure how much I was going to like it - luckily it was quite enjoyable. Devon and I talked about a lot of things during my first shift, how leaving after the first year of college had an almost bittersweet feeling to it, how much had changed over the last year and how we each had truly become our own person. It's hard to explain - the feeling of being able to pave the path for yourself, especially moving a thousand miles away where no one knows you. Something I think everyone should consider going through, I learned a lot about myself over the last year. 

Devon took the wheel once we were in Wyoming, arguably the worst state in the nation, and drove until we crossed the border into Colorado. Wyoming actually had one exceptionally gorgeous area called Chugwater, it looked like a camping paradise; other than Chugwater there wasn't really a whole lot going on in that wretched state. 

Chugwater, Wyoming

Colorado was wonderful to be back in, it had a certain smell to it - I'm not sure if it's the air or the nostalgia. The entire vibe of being so close to home and seeing things I had known my whole life was so welcoming. Denver was definitely different because I hadn't been in a city larger than about 120,000 people in a long time, and Denver is weighing in at over 600,000 residents. I dropped Devon off at his house around 1 am and I arrived home around 1:30 am. It was the most pleasurable and freeing drive I had done thus far and it consisted of great company, engaging conversation, and spectacular places in the country. 

-Umar

Music pt. 3

Montana

So this has by far been my most eventful summer yet and I have had the privilege to travel several beautiful places across the country. I don't want to cram everything into one post and make any less genuine than the others so I will be dividing the places up by posts. This post will be about my time in Montana from the time summer break had started. 

Finals week reached a close and I had figured out my plans to get back to Colorado with a friend who wanted to ride back with me. He was the only other student from the same high school as me and when we started school we went up together, so it was both symbolic and convenient to ride back together. We weren't allowed to stay in the dorms once break had started but luckily he had just signed on for an apartment with two friends and we were able to stay there for the few days we would be in Montana. The first day after we moved out we went on a hike in the Bridger mountains that were about a half hour away from town, it was a really relaxed and fun hike (in the picture). After the hike Devon, the friend, brought me to a house that his friends lived at and we played some video games with them while they introduced me to Rosa's pizza, which, if you are ever in Bozeman is a must have. Devon was very different from most of my other friends because the content of our conversations was so different. It was actually a bit refreshing. We discussed things like love, emotion, diversity of the individual and - as we have in the past - we once again realized how similar we were despite us never actually being around each other all that much. During my adventures in Bozeman with Devon I had been talking to this amazing girl and on one night we stayed up on the from from about 11:45 pm to 6:00 am. It was absolutely wonderful. I hung out with my friend Bjorn, one of the people whom I will be living with in the fall, and we also had a nice philosophical talk in the mountains just outside of town. Soon enough the day of departure had arrived and we began our adventure back to Colorado. 

-Umar

The Boy

I recently had a friend who I knew in high school. He was a freshman my senior year and about two weeks ago he took his own life. Unfortunately I have not been able to go to any of the events honoring him because of traveling, so I wrote something for him after I found out. He was a sweet boy and he was far too young, and I'm sorry to everyone who was affected by this. You were a boy. Life promises these things to you. We expect it. You expect it. The difference with you was that you didn't expect it. You didn't ask for anything. All you ever wanted was someone to go on a bike ride with. Someone to make up urban legends with and to go bowling on the summers with. You never had it because you were good - and people knew it. They would walk over you and give you a hard time because they knew they would get away with it. You were a simple boy and you just wanted to have fun. I think back to your smile and it makes my heart hurt. It feels like I was robbed. Two months ago you reached out to me and I was "busy". I answered with one word answers and my replies were intermittent. One month later I saw you ask for someone to talk to. I did nothing. I'm so sorry. And I'm so sorry to everyone else. You have inspired me to treat each person like it's the last time I will see them. I was your mentor for the time we knew each other in this world but now you are mine. Since you left us I have changed a lot about myself because of the emotions you invoked. Its amazing how someone who I never realized was so important to me can matter once they are taken. I hadn't talked to you much after I moved away but hearing about what happened to you hit me. Hard. You were a good human, and you will not be forgotten. You touched my heart and left with a piece of it. I dearly miss you my friend. We all love you and miss you, and we hope you are doing awesome wherever you are now.

I was listening to a song the other day and it made me think of you.

"I got myself a mission, I'm going to find heaven, I might create paper wings I think they'll carry me a while. I left you a love poem, the best I have written, my favorite words were the ones I couldn't spell. They say that I'm a lunatic, they say that I'm full of it. I say that it's worth dreaming just for the dream of it. It's all about passion. It's all about perception."

The song itself didn't have a whole lot to do with my thoughts on you but that excerpt specifically made me think of you.

My condolences go out to all his friends and family. If any of you readers need anybody to talk to just throw something to my inbox at umaratempleton@gmail.com I'll always reply.

-Umar

New Tattoo

So I recently decided it would be a good idea to get a panda tattoo on my left shoulder blade. The other night I started to get it and during the process my friend Tom, the tattoo artist, told me he forgot how much of a bleeder I was. I had no idea how bad it was either. Eventually he says he isn't sure I will be able to get the entire tattoo because of my skin bleeding out the ink before it can settle. So after doing about half of the fill he decided it would be better to call it a day and have me come back in two weeks, then he would try to finish the fill. So.... now I have a half filled panda tattoo on my back. The part that is done looks great but there is a line going up that looks like he was thinking "alright I think we can do it" then right after just pulled a "nope, just kidding". I would try to get a picture but I haven't gotten a good picture of it yet and now that I'm sick I refuse to get out of bed to take a picture of it.

I have another request to do later but I feel like I'm about to fall asleep - it will probably be up later tonight, but no promises. I will also upload a picture of the tattoo when I get the chance.

Here is the tattoo:

Ft. Trail of blood below the leg. 

Just Another Day

A friend today: "My dad refers to you as my white arab friend."
Me: "I am completely okay with that."

Actual conversation today, not uncommon either.

Bad Habits

You can't tell but they all have acrylic nails in this. Even the trumpet player. 

My posts have been spread lately because my computer has been packed away with the rest of my possessions. They are all packed away for a road trip that I will be taking tomorrow, but I decided to dig out my computer to write another blog post today! I've been thinking about what would make an interesting post that isn't going to be repetitive or boring for the reader. And after many minutes of thinking about topics I failed to come up with a good idea and decided to write about my bad habits instead. Enjoy.

For as long as I can remember I have clipped my nails.... with my mouth. I have been a nail-biter for a long time and probably won't stop anytime soon - not because I don't want to, but because I have tried to stop and failed. I once put a coat of nail polish remover on my nails so that whenever I would habitually bite them I would suffer from a harsh taste. Didn't stop me. I got acrylic nails super glued on for playing guitar in a mariachi band I was in, the second they fell off I would bite my nails past the end of my finger again. It is a curse I have been carrying my entire life, and I don't see myself ever being rid of it.

Another problem of mine is that I tend to let first impressions dictate how I view a person more than I should. It is for this reason that I have disliked a majority of my sibling's friends and I am so selective with the people I keep close to me. This is bad in the reverse as well because some people have left me with outstanding first impressions and it blurred my vision when they would do bad things. I would like to think that I have been improving on this because I actually recognize that I do it now.

I am an outgoing introvert - though I'm not entirely sure such a thing exists. I like to meet people and I try my best not to be shy, but I am a naturally awkward person and socializing makes me physically tired. I keep trying to change who I am by being more outgoing and I always end up looking silly or exhausting myself by doing so. I say a lot of things while thinking several other things, so I am trying to maintain my thoughts externally and internally, which is.... problematic. However, I'm not convinced I want to change this about myself because a good number of the friendships I do have can be attributed to this habit.

I am afraid of failure. I have very high expectations of myself and because of them I am afraid of not being able to measure up to the expectations. I will not try new things or take risks if I think there is a fair possibility of me not succeeding, which makes me really upset. I wish I could just change this about myself but it is much easier said than done. Whenever I wouldn't get an ideal time in a race during my competitive swimming days it would put me in a bad mood the rest of the week and I would quit talking to everyone for the remaining part of the day it happened.. Not because they did anything wrong, but because I was so mad at myself for not being able to deliver with the amount of success or efficiency I expected myself to.

I'm sure there are several other bad habits I carry with me; I am either forgetting them or don't know they exist yet. As I remember/recognize more I will come back and throw them in here, but thanks for reading and until next time!

-Umar

Freshman Finale

*Insert stereotypical quote about nature and freedom*

For those of you that haven't been keeping up: I just finished my first year of college. Now, I've been out of my dorm since Friday around noon, but I won't be returning home for a few more days. I have some other obligations here and I wanted to soak in the area without having any commitments or responsibilities. This weekend has been a very eventful and bittersweet ending to my first year as a college student. Someone once told me "college is the pinnacle of your youth." and I never truly understood how correct they were until recently. I will be telling you wonderful people what I did this weekend, and some backstory to why it was so great.

Friday: I woke up at about seven because my last final was at eight. The final was in a very easy class and I was able to finish the two hour test in about a half hour. After the test, I went to pack up the rest of my possessions from the dorm room and moved them out to my car. My stuff had been mostly taken care of, I just needed to find a place to keep my television and futon. Luckily, a good friend of mine was able to watch over them for me for the next month - until he moves them into the house we will be living in for the next few years. During this entire day I had been messaging a girl on facebook, I had recently discovered that she would be attending the college I go to in the fall. I met her last summer for just a week, but never actually knew her that well. We talked about music, movies, books, etc. and realized we had a lot in common. After some more conversation we found out that we will both be in a town in a different part of the country at the same time this summer, too much had been happening for it to be coincidence. Anyways, I then went to meet with the only friend I had at school who was from the same city as me; he and I were going to be taking the trek back to Colorado in the coming days. I helped his roommate and him unload the rest of their bags and gear into a trailer they had built for a road trip that his roommate had planned. Eventually we finished all the moving and we went to hang out at one of their friend's houses. They were super chill guys and we had a great night, ended up crashing at the friends house after some Super Smash Bros and a movie.

Saturday: After waking up in someone else's couch at about 9, my friend (Devon) and I proceeded to go back to his apartment. We showered, made some bacon and egg sandwiches, watched Big Hero 6, then went on a hike. The hike wasn't really planned ahead and we just drove up a road until we decided a spot seemed nice enough to stop and hike. It was great because we took some cheesy pictures at the spots with excellent views of the mountain chain we were in. We hiked up and sort of spiraled the entire way up - this was an awful idea. We made it to the top of the mountain and eventually decided to head back down, the path we took down led us about a mile down the road of where the car was parked. It was the opposite side of the mountain. After the hike we went and changed, then went to hang out with his friends again. Another great night of just hanging out, guys doing guy things. About halfway through the night I started talking to that girl from before on the phone, and continued to do so for 6 hours. She eventually was falling asleep on the phone so we said our farewells but it was one of the most fun and engaging conversations I have had in a long time, and she is definitely one cool cat.

Sunday: I never woke up because I stayed up from Saturday. It is now 8 am and I am doing everything in my power not to fall asleep.

Please note: I am writing this with very minimal sleep - but I felt I owed you guys a post since it's been a couple days.

-Umar

Reader Request: More Music

I have been getting really lost in conversation while talking to some friends about music, one of them suggested I post some of the stuff I've been listening to every once in a while.



















I made sure not to repeat any artists, hope you liked at least one of the songs!

- Umar

Reader Request: Love

You have no idea how much time I wasted to find a picture of these toys.

Love is a topic that comes up in my posts very often but I have failed to write a post about my thoughts on it as a standalone subject. A friend recently messaged me and their request for one of my posts was the topic of Love - so here we are.

Love is something that people all acknowledge and identify to exist, but not always in the same form. Most people assume love is being discussed in regards to an intimate love shared only with those you label as your soul mate. Love comes in a variety of shapes and forms, one example is the way you love a pet; dogs are beloved by most but in more of a innocent and cute way.

Hobbies and interests are a form of love possessed by most people, and it is commonly seen on the social media. It is the feeling that you get when you are part of a team. It happens when you find something you can turn hours into second doing, this can be art, sports, reading, or really anything that inspires you. Inspirational Love.

Another way, and often the most underrated way is the friendly love you share with your friends and family. It is an emotional attachment that forces you to help them even when you know you shouldn't, just because you would do anything to keep them safe and out of trouble - the same feeling that presses you to buy them gifts or make big deals out of their birthdays, the feeling that makes you spam their facebook page with inside jokes that lead everyone else to think you are weird. And the beautiful part about this kind of love is that even with everyone else thinking you look silly you don't care. The people that care are the people who don't value you enough to deserve knowing about those inside jokes. Familial Love.

Now for the part on the love that tends to actually interest people: romantic love. It is a feeling that can put someone at the top of the world or ruin their life, and most times both. I have seen high schoolers more loyal and in love than adults - thought most times at ages that young it is just infatuation. If it is pure you will know. I hear people told it's not "real" love far too often and the people telling it are only the one's who have had bad experiences with love. I'm not entirely sure that I agree people can't be sure what love is just because they are young. If loves truly knows no boundaries then logic would dictate that age is no restriction. If a child can understand that they are happy, or sad, or angry then why would they not be able to grasp the concept of love? Love isn't just a word that creates and awkward or meaningful moment, it's a word that carries power - power that is frequently disregarded. It is the feeling that makes the world melt around you and fall into a hushed audience spectating the bittersweet moment you are living. It is a passion so powerful that your brain photocopies everything about it in a perfect frame by frame; only for you to look back and wonder about if each and any detail had been different. It will always be the end to the seemingly endless tunnels of thoughts residing in your brain, and no matter what you do to reach a different destination you will always end up at the same point. It is what will make you trade hours of hard times for a few seconds of time with them. It is the goosebumps, the butterflies, the lightheadedness. It is the first thing you think of each day when you wake up, and the last thing you think of before you fall asleep. It gives you someone to share everything with, the world is your playground. It is both a blessing and a curse simply because you will never be able to escape it. It is the purest and darkest of emotions. It is what will keep you restless at night and trapped within your mind the entire day. It is the vice-grip that clenches around your chest tighter every time you are reminded of it until you can't feel anything anymore. It is what sends you into the darkest depths of the mind searching for an escape, but you just become more lost deep within. Romantic Love.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in instinct and hunch. I think people can know if they CAN love someone pretty early into knowing that person. This also relates to my belief that it is possible to love more than one person, it would be incredibly cruel for the universe to only provide one true candidate for your life partner.... but then again - the universe really sucks sometimes.

Also, there is a cheesy quote that totally applies; it goes something like: "Don't be sad because it's over, be thankful because it happened" -Justgirlythings or something cliche like that. It is true, if you dwell on it, it will only hurt more. It ended for a reason. A good friend of mine once compared love to a childrens toy, you know the one where you just put a block in the hole it is shaped like? He said "You can't force a square block through a triangle hole (assuming they are proportionally similar)".

Just remember, you lose every chance you don't take.

-Umar

P.S. This post was a bit challenging for me because I wasn't too sure what the request was asking for exactly, I hope this post will suffice. I love all of you guys.

Some Quotes

Recently I was discussing quotes with someone and it has inspired me to post some of the best quotes ever...

"Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate."
 - 500 Days of Summer

"People should be able to say how they feel - how they really feel - not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths." 
- 500 Days of Summer

"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."
 - 500 Days of Summer

"This is lies. We are liars. Think about it. Why do people buy cards? It's not because they want to say how they feel. People buy cards because they can't say they feel or are afraid to. And we provide the service that let's them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. Or at least let them speak for themselves. Right?"
 - 500 Days of Summer

"We accept the love we think we deserve." 
- Perks of Being a Wallflower

"I am very interested and fascinated how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other."
- Perks of Being a Wallflower

"It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book."
- Perks of Being a Wallflower

"I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
- Perks of Being a Wallflower

"I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong... to measure yourself at least once."
- Into the Wild

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."
- Into the Wild

"You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living."
- Into the Wild

"Nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
- Into the Wild

"At long last he was unencumbered, emancipated from the stifling world of his parents and peers, a world of abstraction and security and material excess, a world in which he felt grievously cut off from the raw throb of existence."
- Into the Wild

"I always think of each night as a song. Or each moment as a song. But now I'm seeing we don't live in a single song. We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord. There is no ending here. It's an infinite playlist."
- Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

"Answer all the questions that I'm too afraid to ask"
- Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

"Perhaps it's not that I'm frigid-- it's that once I decide I like a person, I turn into a raging idiot, unfit for public appearances."
- Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

"I have found that people who can successfully resist temptation invariably lead depressingly stunted lives."
- Youth in Revolt

"In the movies the good guy gets the girl. In real life it's usually the prick."
- Youth in Revolt

"Because nothing sucks more than being all alone.. no matter how many people are around."
- Scrubs

"If I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world or sitting at home with you eating pizza watching a crappy tv show. I'd choose you every time."
- Scrubs

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it. "
- The Lion King
"Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?...You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period."
- The Pursuit of Happiness

"When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them."
- Scott Pilgrim vs The World

"I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt. And I know you have reasons for not wanting talk about your past. I want you to know that I don't care about any of that stuff. Because I'm in lesbians with you."
-Scott Pilgrim vs The World

"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that "cellar door" is the most beautiful."
- Donnie Darko

Occam's Razor

Occam's offer a closer shave than any other razor on the market. 

I am about to finish my first year of college.

Each time I say that I can not help to think about how quickly everything went by, how different I wish some things would've been, and how perfect some other things were. Initially I thought about how fast it went by when compared to a year of school from when I younger; the year from my youth felt so much longer. During my latest peaceful pondering I had figured out why time goes faster as you get older.

I felt that perhaps a day felt longer when you were young because it was a larger part of your life, for example: A day to a 6 year-old is 1/2190th of their life on earth, assuming they are exactly 6 years old. Whereas for an 18 year-old it is 1/6570th of their life - while figuring out these numbers I thought it made sense until I figured out that this is going to suggest that a day for a 6 year-old feels 3 times longer than a day to an 18 year-old. Which.... does not seem accurate in the slightest.

Like most things I am likely over-thinking the entire concept and counting variables that don't exist, while leaving out others that do. There is occam's razor with which people have identified as a principle claiming that when there are multiple equally likely hypotheses being tested against one another, the one with the fewest assumptions should be the one chosen. In simpler terms, the less complicated answer is the right one. Following the principle my entire post should be discredited entirely.... but that leaves me with less silly things to think about.

TL;DR of this post: I have a theory that time goes faster due to the amount being a smaller portion of the whole, however, I have nothing but personal experience to support the idea. Occam's razor is cool. 


-Umar

Pretty Face

Faith for the conclusion in the greatest story of all, but hopelessness for it's fruition.

Why?

The moment when one stops to ask "why?" is one of the most pivotal - yet dangerous moments in their life.

Perseverance

The influence of the individual is an amazing thing. There are people I have met in my life that have blown my mind away in every way possible. These people introduced me to theories, thoughts, habits, and objects that changed my life forever. I have all of you to thank for my rebirth.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and even though things get bad it pays off to tough it out. Through fire comes steel. It's just a matter of lasting through the fire. Not long ago I was hit head on by several life changing events. Following these events I had various thoughts and opinions - these were not good thoughts and opinions. I suffered from anxiety attacks, lost most my friends, and hated myself. Many times I thought about calling it quits and succumbing to all the emotions flooding my mind. Emotions so strong that you could feel them run down your spine. After all of that I believe I am a stronger person; it takes much more to get an emotional response out of me. Some say that is a bad thing, but I view it as a blessing due to it enabling me to maintain a level head in tough situations.

The worst anxiety attack I had was in school pretty early into the day. It was nearing the end of first semester for my senior year of high school. I was in English class and suddenly my stomach started turning and I couldn't breathe. It isn't uncommon for me to have issues with my respiratory system due to my asthma but I get embarrassed when I use my inhaler in front of other people, so I went to the restroom. I walked in and suddenly collapsed on the ground with tears racing out of my eyes. I had no idea why I was crying, but I was. I was angry. Angry at myself for feeling the way I did. Angry at the people who contributed to causing me to feel the way I did. Angry about everything. Now the issue is that when I become unreasonably angry - I cry. The emotions of anger, frustration, sadness, and the countless other feelings I was experiencing started to take control of my entire body. I tried to use my inhaler but to no avail, the medication did nothing to improve the situation. I sat in that bathroom against the wall for about 20 minutes before I was in a fair state of mind. I decided that I had to fix whatever was going wrong, and I didn't care how long it took. And I have finally fulfilled that promise to myself.

That day was December 3rd, 2013. It is now January 11th, 2015 and I have now recognized my situation as solved. My point is that I promise you it does get better. I know you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel but know that it is there. Sometimes life tests you and pushes you to your breaking point.

Arise, arise

The pain is endless.

Release the bellows and cries.

Is this a test?

How long can I make it?

I've failed after trying my best.

The candle is no longer lit.

The cold is all I can feel.

I shall never forget.

The solution has been hit.

I've made my deal.

Now I commit.

Through this fire comes steel.

No more toxic butterflies.

Through this fire comes steel.

Arise, arise.

A Revelation Pt. 1

A man wearing tattered clothes awakens lying on the ground next to an oak tree in the woods. No signs of civilization as far as the eye can see. He begins running and approaches a large hallow tree. He walks inside and collapses. He begins having flashbacks of his early days; days of famine and war. His senses come back to him, a shadow comes over him. Looking up he sees a man without a face, a wooden stake emerging from his chest. Weeping over the man's body his tears begin to hit the soil. A wilted flower suddenly blooms.