Throughout the existence of this blog I have always had a slight censor on the things I post, I'm not talking about profanity or anything of the sort - but about stories and details intentionally being left out. I leave them out for a variety of reasons, most of them being relatively selfish; I don't want people that knew me growing up (especially from my church) to think less of me because of the things that have happened in my stories. I also don't want mutual friends of the reader and myself to be thought less of by the readers if they are talked about in my stories. Basically, the anonymity of the blog has been entirely extracted and the crossover between my real life and blog life has become too much. However, I've decided to just say "fuck it" and blog about what I want, because, it can be a truly beautiful and amazing thing but not if I limit myself.
Growing up was not fun, I was a very sick child with abandonment issues and a morbid outlook on life. There was always one person I could talk to and be around to help out, my sister. Obviously we bickered like all siblings but she is my only full sibling and during holidays when our older brother left to his father's house it was just me and her. I owe her a lot, as a child I wasn't friendly or outgoing and as a result never made any friends. She was three years old but went into preschool with me (I was four) and had she not been there I would not have made a single friend at school. She took preschool for a second time the following year while I advanced to kindergarten.
My brother used to refuse to play video games with me because he had no interest in them and said I beat him too much. My sister would play video games with me despite not knowing how to play just because she knew I wanted someone to play with. Until we were about ten years old my sister always had my back, and was always watching out for me - once we reached a certain age I did a lot of maturing and decided it was my turn to start helping her, as she had started falling into a bad phase. She would become very sad and self-critical about how she looked and what she did, I would just try to tell her she was fine and normal. Unfortunately, she only became worse as we got older and by the time I was able to drive and had a job I took it upon myself to dedicate one night a week to hang out with her. We used to just drive around listening to music and I would buy her food from somewhere cheap, these are memories I will always hold dear. She once told me that when we hung out it was "Ayah and Umar take on the World". Not long after she got into a lot of trouble with our mom for skipping classes, and falling into a bad crowd of friends - despite my efforts she still wasn't making the turnaround I had hoped for. I failed her, and now she was getting sent away to live with our dad in California. I knew things would become worse in California but my mom didn't know how else she would be able to watch Ayah more carefully. She moved away. Shortly after a lot of other really bad things happened (see year 17 in the life story). It was a rough time for me and I will always feel responsible for her being sent away.
We drifted apart as I finished high school and moved away to college, and she lived in California. Only saw each other over breaks until I went to her high school graduation last May. She graduated and pulled through after all the hard work of making up for the amount of class she skipped for the first two years of high school. I was proud of her. However, something was different, she kept doing all she could for guys that obviously were trying to take advantage of her. These aren't the stereotypical Cali surfer douchebags or anything like that either, she has taken interest in the ghetto, ex convict, high school dropout kind of guys. Now, I know it's bad to judge people based on their situation in life, so I normally don't and nothing really was THAT bad until my last trip to Colorado. She was caught smoking weed by my dad (who, ironically enough, had smoked with her numerous times prior to this), who then proceeded to kick her out of his house and victimize himself for it a few weeks later. She was sent back to Colorado to live with my mom and grandma. My mom is a saint. She is the nicest and best person ever and my grandma is a damn near close second. This last week I went to visit them for thanksgiving and witnessed some of the most damaging moments in my family.
My sister has been going through some very challenging times in life and no matter what my family says to her she views us as the enemy. It's always been me and her. And I can't be there for her this time. To watch how much work and sacrifice my mom put forth to ensure we had the same opportunities as everyone else get pissed on by my sister has been the most infuriating thing. She needs help and I can't do anything to help her because she thinks we don't want what is best for her. The worst part of it all is that she knows I'm always going to do what I can to help, despite how far she pushes me away. We've overcome and taken on a lot of things before but I don't know if we will be able to get past this one in one piece.
Since about halfway through my senior year I have been the sibling that just sorta... says things like they are. It's a good thing and a bad thing because I don't need to sugarcoat anything with my siblings but they also are less likely to tell me things out of fear that my response will be discouraging. In the past my sister has always taken things very seriously when I talked to her, but now she just shrugs it off and keeps doing them. It is as if she has regressed mentally, refusing to accept any input that isn't exactly what she wants to hear.
We have always been able to take on any challenge. I remember making food as 5 year old kids, or flying as unaccompanied minors on a plane when I was 4 years old. Watching scary movies with our dad's irresponsible friends when we were very young. Not knowing how to swim and going to an ocean. All of these things brought us together, but perhaps we truly are our own worst enemies because as soon as the problem becomes one of us; we collapse.
No comments:
Post a Comment