I have been pushing this off since I first made a blog, partially because I don't know what to say and partially because it's not an easy subject. When you died I changed a lot as a person, for a variety of reasons. Quite a few things happened immediately after your departure. Dante broke up with me, the house got foreclosed, and we moved in with grandma.
Growing up you were basically the father figure to me, you were the example of what a man should be and you did a damn fine job with it. I remember when we turned twelve you would take us out and teach us how to drive, and how when we would go we would stop and do favors for people while we were out. There was one time that really struck me and it was when there was a homeless man with his son standing on a corner, you scouted out the nearest restaurant and we bought them food. After we got the food you told me I had to bring it to them, and I was absolutely terrified because they looked a bit rough and I wasn't the most outgoing. I will never forget the smile on the boy's face when I gave them their baconators and lemonades.
When you died I went into a very strange place, and I started to immerse myself in hard work and generosity because I felt like you were always with me. I didn't talk to very many people at school given the recent events with my relationship status so I was working out before and after school, and working. I would save half of every pay check and use it to go out and do favors for people.
I had essentially created a routine, I would go to the starbucks next to my high school and purchase a gift card and tell the barista to use that gift card to pay for however much he can behind me, then I would bring 2 cheese pizzas and 2 pepperoni pizzas to the skate park at memorial. After that I would use everything but 5 dollars to just help the homeless I saw while I was driving around. I saved 5 dollars every time I did this and made a small cash fund for something that didn't have a purpose yet.
A few months later I went to eat lunch with some friends and a woman was asking for help, for her and her daughter who was clearly ill. They needed 108 more dollars for the medication she needed, they even had the documentation to prove it because they said no one believed them. The cash fund had 110 dollars in it, so I asked them to stay there while I went home to get cash. I returned with the cash and they thought I was just looking for an out, I gave them the money and the girl was able to obtain the medication. Today, that girl added me on facebook. She remembered my name because I had my name tag from lifeguarding on when I saw them the first time and it's not too hard to find and "Umar" from Colorado. After she recovered from her illness she was able to get a job and between her mom and her, they were able to rent an apartment. This was all because of you.
I was a selfish and overconfident individual before you died. I felt like the world owed me something and the world doesn't owe me shit. The person I am today is because of you and these acts are extensions of you. By doing these things I feel like it's the best way to keep you alive, because you do live on - just through the people whose hearts you've touched.
After I graduated I moved to Montana for school, it's a place I think you would really like and somewhere I could see you living. I miss you and I know you're looking after me. Thank you for everything, because I never was able to really tell you how much you meant to me before you left.
- Umar
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