Re-Introduction

 It's been 10 years and 20 days since I published the first post on this blog. 

I would say 6-8 of them were dormant of that 10. I didn't do the best I could've at maintaining this, and in a lot of ways I see my work on this dumb little website reflect in the garden I grew within the time. 

Believe it or not, I did come look at this site at least once a month even at it's lowest points in activity - I always meant to make more posts, to write more, it just... never came to me naturally. The beguiling thing about reading back on the earliest posts I made is that I am able to catch glimpses of myself through the guidance of my thought process. Procedurally speaking the text was self created - my thoughts were crystal clear font with bold, sharp edges and stability in how to verbalize them. I lost it. I don't know if I will ever be able to find that part of me again in the way I timed it with this blog the first time. 

I deleted 47 drafts that I never posted before writing this post up. Most of them just a diary of sorts, emotions ran high, I needed a place to visually observe the things in my life but it was a chaotic mashup of emotions and confusion. In many ways I don't really feel like the same person that wrote some of those older posts; I own the experiences and remember them but the perspective I take would not be the same back then as it is today. 

Today will mark the start of a new time, I will do my best to write in a more organized and constructive manner - and in a relatively consistent fashion. Starting things off I figured a new introduction would be fitting.

Missoula is where I have called home for the last five years. I work for an insurance company as a trainer and quality assurance auditor for the customer service reps. I've been married for about 8 months, and recently just got back from my honeymoon in Cancun - which was somehow my very first time in Mexico. I love music, and was recently gifted an electronic drumset by the best valentine, my wife. I irregularly play guitar, ukulele, and now the drums with a heavy affinity towards mariachi style music. I'm a community leader for an online group of nerds that play a geopolitical simulator. I watch professional dota 2 like a football fan watches NFL, playing fantasy drafts and all the works. I love to learn and stay up too late nearly every single night to read a wiki article I stumbled across about some historic politician from feudal era Europe. My roman empire is the roman empire. I love to teach, the best and favorite part of my job as a trainer is the self-gratification I feel when I can see the information click in their eyes. I wish I was more talented as a singer, I can barely put together coherent sentences because my mind is moving so fast the words mash up together. I love writing because it forces me to make sense of those words and slow down a while. I smoke weed because it makes me pay attention to things, to notice the small details and etches of the items that would otherwise be unnoticed. I'm relentless in my ambition but so critically blind in my knowledge of how to even begin things. I half begin every project I begin, then battle myself to give it another round. I've half written multiple songs, started three intro to coding lessons, downloaded duolingo thrice, and have a blog that's lain dormant since before the 20s. Sometimes I wish there was a written guide for everything, something to tell me which step is the best one to take next, but at the same time that's where I find purpose in my life. To teach and to guide and try to make sense of the world with context, not only for others but for myself. 

The stability of my life can be attributed with a center-focus on my wife, Cheyenne. From the very beginning we connected on a deep level, and I think we both were cautiously optimistic in the early days. It was meant to be. We have three pets, I brought James/Jimmy into the relationship with me; he is my three legged orange tabby. She brought in Kitana, she is our responsible and kind old lady. Kitana is a border collie mix and is emotionally tuned in ways most humans are not. The newest addition and most expressive of the lot is Pepper, she is our forever baby as she quit growing around six months old. She's a orange and white speckled gray tabby. We live in rural Montana, and have attempted to start growing our own food. Despite our setting both of us are chronically online, for better or for worse. It's quite wholesome being married to your survival game best friend, and I'm very thankful to have the life that I do. 

I carry heavy burdens with the past relationships family members have with me. There are many regrets in the actions and things that I have said, but they don't out-measure the depth of the hardships placed upon me by those individuals. The closest needle to my heart is the one with my sisters name carved into it. She knows me in ways that no one probably ever will, and through the obstacle course of a childhood we navigated together, I feel the same about her. I can still see her every once in a while, buried in the eyes of the person that has been at the wheel of her soul for the last ten years or so. I don't think we will ever reach a point of amicability. She has a son now. My mom is the one that is his mother in all regards but title, without getting into details that are not mine to share, I don't think I will ever see past this shadow of parenting my sister has cast upon herself. My brother is my best friend and confidant. We had a few rough years, we never were at odds, but we had lost touch. It's quite significant to me that he put in the time for as long as he did before my eyes opened to the importance of his presence in my life. He is of a quality that is rarer to find than the most scarce minerals on the planet. If my brother is proud of me when I die, then I know I lived a life that had meaning. This feeling is the same for my mother. Often times I find myself wondering how it happened, my mom and brother come from the same world I do, and many others who I have worked hard to break away from. It's a mystery to me how such beautiful souls can be developed surrounded by so many blocks. While I'm sure they have chiseled themselves to reach the person they are today it is something I'm constantly trying to work on for myself. 

It's been some weird times, and some hard times. The last couple years I've been in an on-and-off battle with revitalizing the creative elements of my brain. This blog was a key piece of my creative outlet, and spit-ball inspiration for so many other things I had going on at the time of regularly posting. Thanks to whoever read. 

Life Story Update

Check out the updated and visually improved life story!

People

People are a strange thing, and maybe I just think this way because of my personal issues or something. When I see someone who is just incredibly confident I wonder how they do it, how they don't reveal any signs of self-doubt. Alternatively, this is the same when I see someone incredibly timid - I can't help but wonder what made them this way.

In my opinion, deep down we are all the same. We are just human, so it's crazy to think that people develop this superiority/inferiority complex. I mean, sure you can attribute it to a loving mother praising someone too much when they were a child but to some extent they have to know we are all just walking piles of thought.

This isn't meant to be an insult or a jab at anyone but society has developed such a selfish mindset and it has become the absolute norm for everyone. I think it is truly the root to most issues with people, at least mentally. Supporting these people who need to be humbled and stepping on those who are already vulnerable is no way of life - yet is the lifestyle most of us lead without knowing. Perhaps I'm just cynical, or it's a cultural thing I'm surrounded by. Hopefully.


People are afraid to be alone. I have two siblings (at least siblings I grew up with) and they are both in very committed relationships, at the point I could see either of them with a vision to marry the person they are with. I am very far from this, and I think that can partially be due to the fact that the last person I truly felt that way for turned my world upside down and things haven't really been the same since. A while ago I made a vow to never jump into a relationship because it was convenient, or because I was afraid of being alone - which initially seemed easy as an 18 year old high school graduate. It's only been 2 years since then and now that I have friends actually getting married, and both my siblings are in relationships described previously the vow I took is becoming more difficult. Not in the sense of actively seeking someone, but more in the sense of "how have I not met someone when all of these other people have?". I have told a lot of people that dating just isn't really in my agenda at the moment, but it is really just a far more complicated reason than that. It's easier to say that than it is to tell people I don't believe I should actively seek out someone to be with. It's difficult to explain because as I've gotten older - people are more afraid of being alone. They don't even want to accept the fact they are afraid of that, because it's morbid, and it's not a pure reason to want to be with someone. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are plenty of these situations where both people are happy and will remain happy for a very long time. It's just not the optimal situation for me.

I think there are only REALLY two paths that children are led to during their upbringing.

Path 1: Humans exist to produce goods, they exist to work and contribute to society. They make a family and their name is carried on.

Path 2: Humans exist to be happy, they exist to find love and to follow their passions.

I think I was raised more towards the second path than the first, and this is because of my mom's nature. My issue with both paths is they both essentially require finding a life partner. The first is more for the utility of contributing, having kids, etc. while the second is to find love. I'm more a fan of path 3.

Let life happen.

If true love or soul mates or any of that bullshit exists then it's going to happen when it happens. If not then you will probably still have one day where you meet someone who just vibes with you. Life is bullshit, don't add more bullshit to it.

- Umar

Album of Friends Faces

So I recently made a huge mistake of posting a status on facebook, the status was as follows:
"like if you want me to crop your face onto something I find funny."

I never expected 80 likes to follow, I still have not finished the job but I am about halfway done. I figured I would post the work here as it is completed. Enjoy.

Names

Today, at work I had to look up a woman's account - this requires having them input their social security number into a pinpad. I requested she provided it at the pinpad and her daughter asked what that number was, it's interesting the chain reaction this question triggered in my mind.

Initially, I begun thinking about how a social security number was a number assigned to each person when they were born and it proves that you are who you say you are. Following this primary thought was a thought about how names are just a word assigned to us at birth to let people know what we are called.

A noise. Your name is just a noise people make to symbolize you. Which really started leading me to some super ancient Chinese secret type shit where I began asking myself "who am I?".

Typically I could just go with the classic "I'm Umar." - but given the previous claims I don't think that will suffice. This is an incredible question because it really breaks the mindset of the generation I'm lumped into, the mindset being self-entitled. To take an exoteric look at oneself, and provide an explanation beyond titles.

I am a son, I am a brother, a cousin, a grandson, and any other male family title. Still stuck on titles.

I am the lessons that I have received.
I am able to create, and I am able to destroy.
I am full of fear, frustration, inquisition, and joy.
Time is the one that leaves me most decieved.

Too cheesy, poetry has too serious of a tone.

Okay I got it:

Each point in time is made up of an endless history of dichotomy. If you honestly take any one point in time, you can root it back to a tree of decisions. Here, I will even draw for you.

Now, if you look at the picture you can see everything is a yes/no question. There might be some relatively complex decisions you make in life but you can always root it back with yes/no questions like this. Life is an interesting dichotomy itself, and no matter how much you argue I will never settle to agree that life is more complex than a massive series of yes/no reactions from an individual. Makes story telling a lot more shitty for me to try and appreciate. So back to "who am I?"

I am the result of countless yes/no questions starting from the moment I was born, I would be a different person if a single one of these dichotomy's presented to me had been reacted to differently. For some I would be a drastically different person, and for some I would essentially be the same.

I am the boy that fails to see himself as a man, not for lack of confidence or pride issues, but because of my fear of time. I am a boy that often finds himself feeling alone, but doesn't want to let anyone close enough to get rid of that feeling because of his fear of feeling alone again. I am a boy that stayed inside and drew a dichotomous key about eating a sandwich instead of going out with friends on a friday night. I am me.

Gnomeslaughter

This is the result a game some friends and I played in art class sophomore year of high school. The rules were to write an action based on the previous sentence, then return the paper to the creator (who would then create a new situation), this was over the course of a couple days if I remember correctly.

-You are standing in the middle of a forest, the leaves turning yellow-green in the autumn. The smell of apples is coming from the north.

>Travel north to retrieve apples

-You begin to walk north, but when you've travelled no more than 7 steps, you hear a rustling sound in the vicinity.

>Grab stick on ground and prepare for attack

-You grab a sturdy-looking branch and hold it high, all senses alert. Suddenly, a gnome crashes out of the shrubbery, his eyes wide and shiny. He's muttering to himself, but you can't quite make out the words...

>Keep up stick. Try to interrogate gnome.

-"Who are your master?" you ask, your grammar laughable. You keep the stick high. The gnome turns his head and suddenly notices you.

"I have mushrooms. You want?" he says.

>No. Ignore and continue to travel north.

-You ignore the gnome and follow the scent of the apples, which is growing stronger. The gnome follows you. "Hey, man. I got mushrooms. You want, no?" The gnome becomes increasingly more aggressive...

> I hold up the stick, and tell the gnome to leave

-The gnome snaps your fingers and your stick turns into a rabbit with a loud POP. Your eardrums are ringing... He unleashes a bloodcurdling shriek and flies towards you feetfirst. Think fast.

>I pick up a stone, and smash it against the gnome head

-You try to stumble towards a rock, but your sense of balance is off-kilter. You slip and fall. The gnome sits on you.

-You're in the middle of a forest, a malevolent gnome sitting on you. The smell of apples wafts in from the north. A rabbit is there.

>Grab the knife in pocket, stab in jugular

-You reach into your pocket for the knife, but all that's in there is a yo-yo and a largish marble. The gnome screams some gibberish. The ringing in your ears is getting louder...

>Pull the yo-yo string, wrap around neck. Put marble in mouth and pull string tighter

-Dude, a gnome is sitting on you. Try again.

>Lash around until gnome flies off, grab yo-yo, and swing into gnome's head over and over again.

-You lash around, and the gnome flies off of you. You grab the yo-yo and slam it into the gnome's brain, and again, and again, and again. His skull is crushed, and gnome brain bits are all scattered all around you. Ignoring his cries, you yell out a battle cry and keep pounding the yo-yo... and again... You're covered in blood... Finally, you stop, panting from the heat of war... Oh God... What have you done?

-You're in the middle of a forest, clutching a bloody yo-yo, covered in blood and gnome gore. A dead gnome lies nearby. A rabbit hops around. There is an unbearable ringing in your ears. The smell of apples comes from the north.

-What now, brown cow?

>I am not a cow. I am, however, very brown, Terry Brown.

-K cool bro.

>Head east

-Your head aches from the ringing in your ears, and you can't determine an easterly direction. The smell of apples is extremely strong, directly ahead of you.

>Go the opposite direction of the apples

-You flee from the apples, running fast, crashing through the undergrowth of the forest. As you run, you suddenly fall and clutch your head. You can barely think, or move...

>Pull out some ibuprofen from my pocket and take 2 tablets.

-You reach for the tablets, but all that's in there is a marble.

>Walk back to gnome corpse.

-Why would you do that?

>I want to check his pockets.

-Shouldn't you have done that before running away, wiseguy?

>No. Apples are evil.

-You stumble back towards the apple smell and the blood to the place where you think you slaughtered the gnome. God, your head hurts. The gnome lies there, his cranium bashed open.

>Is the gnome wearing clothes?

-Is this 20 questions?

>Is it?

-What?

>Check for nearby herbs

-You root around on the forest floor, and come back with a collection of herbs.

-ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: INVENTORY!

-You have acquired an inventory.

1.) Weird-lookin' purple leaf

2.) Dangerously yellow spores

3.) Green berries

4.) Bloody yo-yo

5.) Marble (in pocket)

TO BE CONTINUED

-You have acquired an inventory.

1.) Weird lookin' purplr leaf

2.) Dangerous yellow spores

3.) Green berries

4.) Bloody yo-yo

5.) Marble (in pocket)

-Now what?

>Check for rabbit

-It's there.

>Pick up rabbit

-You acquire 1 rabbit.

-ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: WILDLIFE DOMESTICATION

>Have rabbit consume portion of purple leaf

-You forcefeed the rabbit some purple leaf... Its eyes glow brighter. It looks more... aware. Of... things.

>Mix purple leaf with some gnome blood (it's a great painkiller I hear).

-You have:

1.) Purple leaf and gnomeblood concoction

2.) Green berries

3.) Dangerously yellow spores

4.) Slightly bloody yo-yo

5.) Marble (in pocket)

6.) Super aware rabbit

-Your head feels like it's on fire...

>Consume Item #1

-You eat all the bloodleaf, and the pain vanishes. You feel... hungry. Rabbit looks hungry, too.

>Look where rabbit is looking. If he's hungry and superaware, he should see food.

-You see that the rabbit is looking over at the apple smell. Now what?

>Walk towards apples, armed with yo-yo.

-You walk towards the smell, which becomes overwhelming... Your yo-yo is held high.

>Look around

-A single apple pie lies on the ground. It looks very delicious.

>Feed rabbit some pie

-You approach the pie and give the rabbit a nibble. It instantly dies.

-You acquire: Dead rabbit

>Take out pie and take pie tin

-The pie is really squishy, and you get it all over your hands. You acquire: Pie tin.

-You are still quite hungry. What do you do next?

>You eat the green berries. Then, you leave the yellow spores out for game. As a rabbit comes and eats them, it dies because they're poisonous. You skin the rabbit to make a change purse (for your marble) and eat what you can of the remains.

-K I don't think you understand the first/second person format.

-But you eat the green berries, which are horrifically sour, but fill you up. You then lay our the yellow spores and wait.

-Curiously, nothing comes or goes. The forest is... empty. Strange.

>You begin to get the feeling you're being watched...

-No, no you don't. What do you do?

>I begin to trek deeper into the forest...

-You don't know which way "deeper" is.

-The eerie silence is shattered by a roar, and an enormous purple worm explodes from the ground. Caustic spittle flies everywhere and you hear acidic hisses all around you.

>I quickly take cover behind a tree, hoping I haven't been noticed. I then take inventory of my remaining supplies.

-You have:

1.) Bloody yo-yo

2.) Marble (in pocket)

3.) Rabbit cadaver

4.) Pie tin

5.) Poisonous, poisonous pie all over your beautiful, beautiful hands

>Slowly picking up a rock off the ground, I throw the rock about thirty yards away to distract the worm.

-You pick up a rock and toss it, but the worm doesn't seem to notice. Then, with a horrific sucking noise, it begins to devour the nearby foliage.

-Think fast:

>Noticing it eat the foliage, I take advantage of this, taking the rabbit corpse, smothering it with the poisonous pie on my hands in hopes of poisoning the worm. I then take the rabbit corpse and throw it towards the foliage that is being consumed.

-You wipe your hands on the rabbit corpse thoroughly and throw it at the worm. After a quick moment, there is a dead silence. Now what?

>Look back at worm to observe its actions

-You turn back towards the worm. It's dead, some pie still left around its mouth and teeth.

-ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TRIPLE KILL

-What do you do now?

>Dance.

-You let loose and hang free, busting out your most "flavorful" 'moves.

-A troop of gnomes approaches.

>You start dancing hardcore, and use the rabbit corpse as a puppet to try to entertain the gnomes.

-You get serious with the 'move bustin', workin' the forest floor like it's a dance club, and still not understanding the first/second person format. You reach for the rabbit before realizing you threw it to the worm.

"Oh, mighty WORMSBANE!" says the tallest gnome, "We praise you! Your dance moves reveal that you are holy!"

-Uhh... that's weird. What now?

>Take advantage of new power and ask the gnomes if they have any ingredients for a pie. If they do: Dance some more and bake your pie with the gnomes as "friends".

-"Oh mighty WORMSBANE, we will make you a glorious pie," says the tallest of the gnomes.

>SLAUGHTER ALL GNOMES

-You eviscerate all the gnomes, crushin' skulls and takin' names. You say, "I'm here to do two things: Kick ass and chew bubblegum... and I'm all out of bubblegum." Then you look back on your handiwork. You are in a field of gnome corpses, covered in blood and gore.

-...Holy cow, what is wrong with you?

>LOOT CORPSES

-You riffle through the dead corpses' pockets, you psychologically deranged maniac. You find nothing but sorrow and tears.

>USE GNOME HEAD AS HAT

-You... you rip a gnome head off and... what the hell, man? What the hell? You, uh... you put it on, and, uh, this is seriously messup, dude.

-What next?

>You next start collecting the dead gnomes' heads and line them up at various distances with their mouths open. You take the marble from your pocket and start shooting it into the gnomes' mouths and huzzah you've made a new game for children of all ages.

-You, uhh... You rip gnomes' heads off and... line them... so you can... shoot marbles. What the hell? Jesus, you are one messed up dude. A straggler gnome stumbles into the clearing, and surveys the scene. He freezes when he looks at you.

>You approach gnome with the yo-yo behind you. He backs away but before he can run you get him. His head soon becomes your exciting new bonus point zone.

-No.

-As you approach the gnome, he throws his hands up.

-"No! Mercy, sir! Mercy, O Wormsbane, Wielder of the Yo-Yo of Might! Don't kill me! I can show you a land of riches and glory! Just... just stay your hand, O Mighty one!"

The End

Stanley

Grandpa,

I have been pushing this off since I first made a blog, partially because I don't know what to say and partially because it's not an easy subject. When you died I changed a lot as a person, for a variety of reasons. Quite a few things happened immediately after your departure. Dante broke up with me, the house got foreclosed, and we moved in with grandma.

Growing up you were basically the father figure to me, you were the example of what a man should be and you did a damn fine job with it. I remember when we turned twelve you would take us out and teach us how to drive, and how when we would go we would stop and do favors for people while we were out. There was one time that really struck me and it was when there was a homeless man with his son standing on a corner, you scouted out the nearest restaurant and we bought them food. After we got the food you told me I had to bring it to them, and I was absolutely terrified because they looked a bit rough and I wasn't the most outgoing. I will never forget the smile on the boy's face when I gave them their baconators and lemonades.

When you died I went into a very strange place, and I started to immerse myself in hard work and generosity because I felt like you were always with me. I didn't talk to very many people at school given the recent events with my relationship status so I was working out before and after school, and working. I would save half of every pay check and use it to go out and do favors for people.

I had essentially created a routine, I would go to the starbucks next to my high school and purchase a gift card and tell the barista to use that gift card to pay for however much he can behind me, then I would bring 2 cheese pizzas and 2 pepperoni pizzas to the skate park at memorial. After that I would use everything but 5 dollars to just help the homeless I saw while I was driving around. I saved 5 dollars every time I did this and made a small cash fund for something that didn't have a purpose yet.

A few months later I went to eat lunch with some friends and a woman was asking for help, for her and her daughter who was clearly ill. They needed 108 more dollars for the medication she needed, they even had the documentation to prove it because they said no one believed them. The cash fund had 110 dollars in it, so I asked them to stay there while I went home to get cash. I returned with the cash and they thought I was just looking for an out, I gave them the money and the girl was able to obtain the medication. Today, that girl added me on facebook. She remembered my name because I had my name tag from lifeguarding on when I saw them the first time and it's not too hard to find and "Umar" from Colorado. After she recovered from her illness she was able to get a job and between her mom and her, they were able to rent an apartment. This was all because of you.

I was a selfish and overconfident individual before you died. I felt like the world owed me something and the world doesn't owe me shit. The person I am today is because of you and these acts are extensions of you. By doing these things I feel like it's the best way to keep you alive, because you do live on - just through the people whose hearts you've touched.

After I graduated I moved to Montana for school, it's a place I think you would really like and somewhere I could see you living. I miss you and I know you're looking after me. Thank you for everything, because I never was able to really tell you how much you meant to me before you left.

- Umar